Dear Mr. Rage,
I have a few zombie related questions to ask you about. Do you have a boat to chase zombies with, do zombies like the water ...do zombies and other flesh eating ghouls do water... bathe, water ski, recreational boating attend mandatory government sanctioned water safety courses, own walkie talkies ... do they care, have emotions or are they all wound up with this flesh eating obsession are they OCB types are there type "A" personalities anal retentive zombies, pain in the ass zombies, ahh the things that cross my mind…
-Mike “Gooch” V., Somewhere in Connecticut
Dear Mike,
Let me answer your questions one at a time.
I hope this helps. Keep on fighting!
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
What is the worst zombie hunting case that you have been involved with?
-Carry Valentine, Burlington VT
Dear Carry,
It is supremely hard for me to answer this question. Firstly, after a certain point it is difficult to rate which cases were worse than others, as all the cases I have been involved with were all pretty horrific. Secondly, decorum demands that I avoid describing these cases in detail due to their terrifying nature. For the purposes of answering your question, let me say that the worst case that I have ever been involved with concerned zombies let loose in a high-tech high-rise apartment complex in Toronto.
-Jim Rage
Dear Mr. Rage,
I’ve read about Barry Dooley and I’m terrified that the Mad Cannibal will strike again soon. How can we defend ourselves against cannibals?
-“A Concerned Parent”
Dear Concerned Parent,
You needn’t be afraid of Barry Dooley. Cory Gory is on the case, and through the combined efforts of Gory and the authorities, I am positive that Dooley will be brought to justice. They are currently searching for him in Mexico.
-Jim Rage
Dear Mr. Rage,
I am a radiologist employed at Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center.
As an expert in radiation, I find your claims that radiation can
reanimate the dead ludicrous. Radiation has no such effects on dead
tissue. It is a physical impossibility. I find it irresponsible of you
to post such misinformation on your website, and it is additionally
audacious you offer no proof of your ridiculous claims.
-Dr. Harold Kazan, Hanover NH
Dear Dr. Kazan,
Your own claims that radiation has no effects upon dead tissue are
not backed by proof. Have you ever exposed a corpse to a radioactive
isotope before? I thought not. And having never done so, or seen
radio-reanimation performed, you simply believe it to be a hoax.
Dr. Kazan, you are like many other American science professionals
and are the victim of a government conspiracy to keep the secrets of
radiation from falling into the hands of civilians. The U.S. government
has covered up the more sinister properties of atomic radiation, to
ensure no one but themselves and a handful of rogues understands how to
create zombies. Radiation has always been able to resurrect the dead as
mindless brain-eating monstrosities, but it has been censored from our
scientific textbooks.
Regardless, Dr. Kazan, a professional like yourself understands the
dangerousness of radiation. radiation also causes harmful mutations and
cancer. I and several others have pressed hard for an anti-atomic
radiation bill, but it was shot down in the House.
Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
If the government is trying to cover up zombies, then why are there so
many damn movies about them?
-Stephen Huculiak, Crystal Lake NJ
Dear Stephen,
It is because the Government wishes that the public believe zombies
to be the stuff of horror fiction. 61.5 % of all Americans do not
believe in the existence of zombies. The Government accomplished this by
encouraging Hollywood and independent film-makers to make zombie
movies. The public would see these movies and assume that zombies were
no more real than RoboCop or Dirty Harry Callahan.
Zombie movies do have some educational value, but are mostly a poor
source of information. For the real beef, visit our zombie hunting manual.
Jim Rage
Dear Mr. Jim Rage,
I'm a real JREZHS nut and I have all your t-shirts. I love your site,
and when Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squadron: The Final Blackout
comes out, I'm buying four copies. Just wondering: can animals be
reanimated? Could there be undead flesh-eating wolves, gorillas, bears,
and horses?
-Patricia Hatch, 2002 Gove Hill rd
Dear Patricia
Your question is intriguing. It all hinges on the method of reanimation.
Voodoo involves capturing the soul essence of another person and
making them your undead slave. Theologians have argued for centuries
whether or not animals have souls. Some cultures believes only humans
have souls, some believe that animals possess the souls of reincarnated
humans, and some believe that animals do have souls- but very small
ones. Theology not being my strong point, I cannot say whether voodoo
could be applied to animal cadavers to reanimate them.
Biohazard Zombies are brought back from an insidious viral strain.
Although viruses have tailored themselves to attack a certain organisms,
they can mutate over time and go on to a completely different species.
Therefore, it seems entirely possible to me that a zombie virus could
spread to other animals. Elite zombie hunter Rye Crofter has reported
seeing undead, flesh-eating alligators in the sewers, but this is
regarded as utter bunk.
Radiation and arcane Demonic energy might also apply to animals as
well. Indeed, I can see no reason why they shouldn't effect wolves,
gorillas, etc. Please, if you encounter any zombie animals, sign our
guest book immediately and tell us about it.
Jim Rage
Dear Jim,
My name is Billy Qualm and I am a martial artist specializing in the Way
of the Intercepting Fist popularized by Bruce Lee. I live in the Great
Lakes region and my sister was attacked by a Paguk, who ate her liver.
Inspired by you and your merry band I have formed Billy Qualm's Elite
Paguk Fighting Squadron and we have set up a floating base in Lake
Ontario. We plan to have a website up as soon as we get our first
employer. What sort of weapons should we have? Anyway, we'll keep you
posted.
-William K. Qualm, Lake Ontario
Dear Billy,
I would normally recommend the chainsaw, but because you are hunting
Paguk, I'd say some sort of high-powered, long range rifle would be a
beater choice. You don't want to get close to the Paguk. Just ask Walter
Wrath (god rest his soul). I salute you in your efforts to wipe out the
Paguk from the Great Lakes Region. Best of luck to you and your Elite
Paguk Fighters
-Jim Rage
Hey Jim,
Is the nuclear war coming or what, 'eh? I want to know when I should
start putting spikes all over my car and wearing leather and wandering
around the desert in a world where oil is more precious is gold.
-Harry Pickman, San Francisco CA
Dear Harry
The Nuclear war and subsequent zombie apocalypse is imminent, but only
if you and other citizens make it imminent. We must struggle against
such an event, for in a nuclear war the dead will far outnumber the
living. They would be virtually unstoppable.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim,
As a stay-at-home mom of three in Rhode Island, I have a lot of
experience with Biker Zombies and I'd really like to share this good
pointer: the kitchen is a great place for weapons! I mean, there's
knives of course, but you'd be surprised who quickly you can take your
cuisenart and turn it into a rotating death-blade! I've got loads of
other great stuff that I can tell anyone who wants to write.
-Sarah Blackstone, Providence RI
Dear Sarah,
This looks like prime information you sent us. Your inventiveness is
striking. I encourage you to try your luck with the ZAT and possibly
submit an application.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
Hi there. I'm just writing you to say thanks for the great Paguk hunting
advice. We've bagged sixteen since I last wrote, which although it
sounds small is actually a big accomplishment. So say a big "hi" to all
the other zombie hunting folks up there and I'll buy you all drinks if
you guys ever come on down to Lake Ontario.
-William K. Qualm, Lake Ontario
Dear Billy,
I'll say hello to everyone for you. Fight on.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
Do zombies breathe? Can we kill them with poison?
-Jerry Klinge, Punxatawney PA
Dear Jerry,
This is a surprisingly complex question. Voodoo zombies have been found
to breathe, although this is merely mimicry of a function of life. They
do not technically need to breathe, they just do it out of some
subconscious reflex. No other zombies breathe. They do vocalize,
however, just they way living people do.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
Biologically speaking at least, how is a zombie different from a human
being?
-Susan Quale, New York City NY
Dear Susan,
A zombie is similar too a human being, but there are many important
differences.
The central difference is a vastly diminished intelligence, the
level of intelligence varies from zombie to zombie and is addressed in
the manual. Zombies have no capacity for higher thought. All that
remains is a degenerative bundle of instinctual drives. Move. Kill. Eat.
That is all that lives within the foul brain of a zombie.
The cardiovascular and respiratory systems of a zombie are entirely
disused. The digestive systems and related functions are, however,
operational -though JREZHS research teams have been unable to determine
how zombies can process the flesh and tissue that they eat into energy.
The nerves in a zombie are dead. They cannot feel any sort of skin
sensation, including pain.
As said repeatedly throughout this website, the only way to kill a
zombie is by delivering significant trauma to the brain or by severing
the spinal cord.
-Jim Rage
Dear Mr. Rage,
Are zombies immortal, like vampires?
p.s.: I like your shirts.
-TINA Backman, Tunbridge VT.
Dear TINA,
Thanks Tina. I like our shirts, too.
Zombies have a natural lifespan of four to sixth months. They are in a
constant state of bodily decay. Their already meager intelligence
degrades even further as the decay progresses. Their muscle tissue rots
and makes it difficult to move. The life span of a zombie can also be
artificially enhanced through the use of preservatives, as discovered
through Fifth Column research but this also has its limits.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage
Is Barry Dooley still out there?
- "A Concerned Young Person"
Dear Concerned Young Person,
The mad cannibal Barry Dooley is still unaccounted for. We believe he
may be hiding out in Northampton, but communication from our UK branch,
John Islington's League of Extraordinary Zombie Hunters, has been scarce.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim,
Tell us more about the "Army of Five Fingers" incident. I've heard only
sparse rumors here and there and I want to hear about from the source.
-Karl Hastings, Montpelier VT
Dear Karl,
The Army of the Five Fingers was a swarm of one to two hundred severed
Demonic Zombie hands that had been kept in pickling jars by a
practitioner of the arcane arts who lived by the abandoned train-station
in Hanover. Brock Ironside and Adam Madness were investigating a call
and came across the fiendish witch, quickly dispatching the cadaverous
hag with a flame-thrower. Inside her filthy hide-away, they discovered
she had been heavily experimenting with bodily reanimation and had a
dead, but beating, heart inside a fish bowl and a horrific zombie head
in a hatbox. The two Elite Zombie-Hunters then ventured into a
refrigerated car and discovered the rows and rows of preserved hands.
The hands immediately smashed out of their jars and began attacking
them. Fortunately, Brock threw his flaming motorcycle at the squirming
mass of disembodied hands and Madness lobbed a grenade at the mess.
A few managed to escape though and demonic hands being the devils playground
(don't let anyone tell you differently) they followed the hunters back to HQ
hooking themselves underneath the destruction van. Later on that night Baxter
Black had to dispose of them amidst trying to make a sandwich. Due to their
mischievous nature. Baxter thought it best to fight back in the same manner.
Using the skills he learned from all of his years of watching the Home Alone™
series, he managed to dispose of the hands in a hilarious manner full of hijinks
and simple family fun.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
Hi! I’m just checking in. I’m mailing you a preserved Paguk claw. I have a couple on my desk now, and it’s really cool.
-Billy Qualm (qualmpagukslayer@aol.com)
Dear Billy,
Hello there. I have always wanted a Paguk claw to go on my desk and now at last I have one. Thank you.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
I'd like to say that ever since your zombie hunters blew away those
Slime Zombies in our backyard, there's been an awful stench there that
just won't go away. Can you tell me if JREZHS recommends anything to get
rid of the smell of super-decayed flesh?
-Mr. Sean Von Hamburg, Plainfield VT
Dear Sean,
I recommend that you cover the area in tomato juice, let it sit for a
day, and then hose it down. The tomato juice removes the smell in the
same manner that it nullifies the odor of the skunk.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim,
I saw this weird movie with these Taoist monks fighting vampires and undead things, and it got me wondering: can a Taoist priest take out an American zombie? And since American werewolves can be in London, can London werewolves be in America?
Zachary Hoel
Brattleboro, Vermont
Dear Zach,
The parapsychological methods employed by Taoists priests are an awesome force against the demonic zombie, not mattering what its nationality is. By scaring the proper arcane glyphs onto a sheet of vermillion paper (the color is important), and stamping the paper onto the forehead of the demonic zombie, they can immobilize it long enough to reduce it to so much spam with their martial arts. Taoist methods also have a more limited effect on the cursed zombie and the voodoo zombie. However, they are basically worthless upon zombies not created by arcane forces.
And werewolves don’t exist.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
Although there are many varieties, which one is the worst kind? Which type of zombie is the most deadly and hard to kill?
Geoff Friday
Fairbanks, Alaska
Dear Geoff,
Although many zombologists have attempted to rank the varieties and sub-species of zombie in a comprehensive scale of lethality, but there has always been great disagreements. Prof. Milland Rausch of the University of Pittsburgh has always argued that the radioactive zombie is the most deadly of all zombie-kind, while Dr. Lawrence Toulon insists that the demonic zombie is far more nightmarish than the radioactive kind. Personally, I believe that the generic zombie is by far the most dangerous as it is by far the most numerous variety and this viewpoint is the prevalent one at JREZHS.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
Here’s a good one: what happens if somebody is bitten by a Demonic Zombie, infected by a Biohazard Zombie, inhales the fumes of toxic chemicals, is exposed to a radioactive isotope, and then has their soul taken by a Houngan? What kind of zombie would that make?
The Deadly Sinner
Waco, Texas
Dear “Deadly Sinner”
I do not know what would happen, but I do know that it would be beyond bloodshot.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim and the Gang,
Well, 150 Paguks has been slain, wrapped in garbage bags and
incinerated! We're making a great deal of progress, and the Great Lakes
are almost free of the Paguk Menace. We've received official sponsorship
from the Great Lakes Heart and Liver Association to put an end to the
devouring of human livers. Thanks a lot for the Cabot cheese. It's a big
hit with the women.
Thanks again!
-Billy Qualm
Dear Billy,
Keep up the good fight Billy! 150 puts you close to the world record of
Paguk slaying, held by the now-deceased Günter Bravery of Michigan.
Great job!
-Jim Rage
