THE INFINITY GAUNTLET
We'd like to Congratulate Jason Fairbanks of New Haven Connecticut for winning our Zombie Apocalypse drawing contest. All drawings seen throughout the Zombie Apocalypse saga are by this aspiring young artist who will be receiving a colored pencil set in the mail shortly (presuming it doesn't get lost. I here that stuff gets lost all the time. Don't blame us.)
Panic in the streets! Those that they kill get up and kill! An orgy of brain-eating madness! Millions flee! Menace spreads! This was the scene in Boston, Massachusetts. With the Governor and several reporters consumed by a fire-breathing zombie brontosaurus, the state was without a leader and without people to ask the leader questions on television. Anarchy reigned supreme over the cold and ruthless streets of the Bay State. This is how it came about:
The carnage was all the work of the nefarious Church of Death, a vast cult of ne’er-do-wells who worship death and employ arcane methods to raise and control the living dead. First, they killed cheerful Elite Zombie Hunter Rye Crofter with a curse after he discovered them in France. Then, heralded by an evil message of green flame upon Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Lawn, the Church launched their plans to bring about the ZOMBIEAPOCALYPSE, the end of all civilization foretold in the ancient passages within JREZHS Official Zombie Hunting Handbook.
Employing an agent by the name of Simon Nazi, the Church destroyed the JREZHS Command Center, murdering all one hundred fourteen of our Toad-Eating Yes Men (soon to graduate), incinerating our pog collection, and annihilating KISS (perhaps the greatest rock band in the entire universe). With their Fearless Leader Jim Rage missing in action (as well as the Fearless Second-In-Command-Guy Frank Gritt) JREZHS was left severely weakened. To make matters infinitely worse, the Guestbook was down due to a spam bombardment, crippling inter-employee communication.
Where were the Elite Zombie Hunters in this time of great need? They were scattered and separated. Packing his bags with extra socks in case the pair he was wearing got wet with the blood of the undead horde, Drew “the Tough Noun” Parazynski marched off into the wilderness to find Carvin’ Zachariah Kervin, having a close encounter with the Archbishop of Death in the process. Chico “The Mad Hatter” Eastridge in turn departed to Sunny Boston, where he met with Jesus McMahon (the oldest man in the world) and gathered recruits from the JREZHS Safe-House in the quaint, picturesque village of Malden. As with the Tough Noun, The Mad Hatter encountered the Church of Death and had a real donnybrook with Los Lagartos: a savage team of zombified football players from the depths of Hell itself! Fortunately fate intervened, along with Shery Anderson THE BEST GODDAMNED HELICOPTER PILOT THIS COMPANY EVER HAD! (Who was not dead after all as everyone had thought)
Meanwhile back at Blue Springs, Ben “Bloodscorn” Parazynski got arrested, watched some TV, complained, had a creemee at the Whippi-Dip, and annihilated all of the zombies in the town. Upon standing victorious amongst the piles of still-squirming zombie parts, Ben heard a familiar voice in his head demanding that he travel to Boston. The voice was that of the recently departed Rye Crofter!
Later under the wise albeit senile leadership of Jesus McMahon, the assembled Savage Crew of zombie hunters and assorted minions rendezvoused at The Mad Hatter’s swank bachelor pad to draw up strategies of revenge against the vile Church of Death, and enjoy several pizzas purchased at Vinnie’s Pizza (the best pizza in Malden). The gregarious gathering was interrupted by a sudden news broadcast. The room was aghast to hear that the Church of Death was still once step ahead of them! Using their mighty forces, the Church of Death summoned back to earth the Doomsday Comet, a hunk of radioactive rock with a penchant for reanimating well-preserved dinosaur carcasses. Sure enough, before too long three lumbering undead behemoth arose from their graves, which had been exposed earlier by Big Dig activities.
Boston was soon put to the top of the EPA's list for Super Fund Clean Up Status. In congrssional hearings, it was decided that nuclear warheads would be the best option for "cleaning up" the city. Sherry Anderson and Rick Ironsides took it upon themselves to handle the missles, while the others stayed in the crosshairs.
And now the epic all-caps saga of the ZOMBIEAPOCALYPSE continues in a story several minutes in the making that we just had to call…
Let’s Get Organized!
With a nuclear strike about to occur within eighteen hours, Jesus McMahon knew that they’d need to really hustle if they wanted to save Boston and prevent the ZOMBIEAPOCALYPSE.
“The Church of Death has a big lead over us,” said The Mad Hatter grimly. “They’ve harnessed the power of dinosaurs!”
“Yeah, the major problem is the dinosaurs,” said the Ancient One, placing his red piece into the slot and connecting four, defeating Justin Famous for the third time. “One zombie dinosaur was trouble enough, but now we have three of them.”
“And one of them breathes fire!” Said Ben in a voice that was not his own. Upon hearing the words escape his mouth Ben punched himself in the head and started to mutter angrily under his breath about paddle-ball. It was sad to watch. Jesus McMahon scratched his head and connected four again, to which Justin flipped the game and took a time out.
“Well, I suppose we should try to lure them and the zombie horde someplace and then kill them all there rather than following them all around the city.” Everyone nodded their heads in agreement, while Ben startled himself by discovering that he could suddenly juggle.
“What we need…” said McMahon, “Is a lot of meat.”
Man on the street interview: “The Public’s Reaction to the Zombie Dinosaur Crisis” Number One. Interview courtesy of the Boston Globe.
Eric Todd, senior city news correspondent: Excuse me sir? Could I ask your name?
Man on the street: Anh…no, I must be going.
Eric Todd: Could I just ask you a few questions about the recent zombie dinosaur crisis?
Man on the street: Well okay.
Eric Todd: What do you think about all of this sir?
Man on the street: Well, years ago they’d always tell us “You’re gonna grow up to be a crook or a cop.” But, y’know, when your looking down the barrel of the loaded gun, what’s the difference?
Eric Todd: I…
End of interview.