COOKING UP A MYSTERY
Rye Crofter recently returned to JREZHS HQ to divulge to us a tale. This past new years, while deep in the heart of Paris taking part in the 2005 World Gourmet Cuisine Championship. Using his superb culinary skills to prepare and cook Fugu, and remove the poisonous glands with surgical precision, Rye was the toast of the afternoon. Still with a long day ahead of him, Rye decided to have a little time out for fun by investigating the mysterious disappearance of renown geologist Prof. Patrick Zander. Zander had been called to Paris to study the recently unearthed Eye of Horus, an enigmatic gem of immense size and ambiguous classification. Leaving his posh apartment to visit his niece, Camille, Zander vanished and the French authorities were without a lead. Rye smelled a mystery.
Aided by the Professor’s beautiful niece, Rye used his tracking skills to lead himself to a manhole. Not wanting to get his new shoes covered with slime, Rye and Camille invested in a couple of pairs of rubber boots and descended into the sewers. An hours search revealed a large hole knocked through the concrete. Fryer-senses tingling, Rye went deeper into the pit, but only after assisting Camille to the surface and commenting on what lovely earrings she had and what a good what a good head she had on her shoulders for not doing drugs like other youngsters.
Rye immediately recognized the handiwork of the nefarious demon worshipping cult, Nous Qui Signent Dans Une Voix Du Feu. No sooner had he come upon this conclusion then he was attacked by cultists wearing red robes. Rye fought like a madman and even had to use his sharp knife a couple of times. After disposing of the seventy-three cultists, but cultists have a way of not staying dead for long. The robbed figures began to rise again. Rye, knowing that this was his moment to score a considerable bonus from JREZHS, leapt into action with his twin-bladed titanium-steel computer-guided throwing scimitar (see picture). Unfortunately it was out of batteries, so he again had to rely upon his sharp knife.
Despite almost having his eyes gouged and his lip ring torn out, Rye was feeling pretty keen. Then: disaster. The master cultist muttered several foul incantations, that Rye immediately recognized as belonging to the dreaded Necronomicon (as he himself owns the 83rd Random House edition). He could feel his very soul becoming tainted by the enormous evil of the enchantment. Fortunately Rye had been hardened by years of near-death experiences and exposure to Lucio Fulci films. It was going to take hardier stuff to knock die our boy Rye Crofter. Unfortunately the master cultist had an entire repertoire of hardier stuff. He laughed in a sinister fashion and then the room was filled with flames and dark images of terror. Rye’s brain was assaulted by a wave of horror. The master cultist then turned and said this:
“Beware! Death shall come to you in thirty days!”
Immediately after saying this, he fled. Rye made chase, but was soon dealt a harsh mindblast™ which knocked him out cold for several minutes. Ascending to the surface, Rye notified the French authorities and quickly raced back to compete in the 2005 World Gourmet Cuisine Championship, winning first place. He then returned to Blue Springs to find Jim Rage and told him of this curious incident.
What was the cultist talking about? Will Rye die in thirty days? If we knew, why would we be asking you?
Only time will tell.