Superfine Movie Update
Yes film-fanatics, JREZHS: The Movie (Working title: JREZHS: And The Prisoner of Azkaban) is shaping up to be the biggest thing to hit tinsel-town in the entire history of the motion picture industry! And that’s no idle boast! Sure, we had our reservations at first, but out tireless promoter Jonathan “Cash” Hollywood Jr. assures us that everything is going excellently and everyone is very excited to be working on the JREHZS movie project. Hollywood Jr. has informed us that the film now has an approved budget of two-hundred and seventy million dollars and a fall 2008 release date, and it will be helmed by none other than Len “Live Free or Die Hard” Wiseman! We contacted Len by telephone earlier this week and the film auteur was full of positive enthusiasm, literately brimming over with creative energy. “Yeah, so…It’s this film, right?” Wiseman explained to us between bites of waffle, “and it’s all….Emotional and shit. I guess. I haven’t gotten the script yet, but the way I see it, it’s pretty much all about the bread at this point.” Way to go Len! We have nothing but the highest of confidence in you!
As we see it this has been a long time coming. We’ve already proved our commercial success in India with our 1998 Bollywood film “Jim Rage: Hunter Of Zombie” (Left) which was mostly a mash-up of other scrapped projects thrown in with some original footage to make an entirely new movie. However in preparation for the Hollywood movie release those cats in Bangladesh have been working very hard to get out a sequel “Jim Rage: Most Violent Of All” (Right) which will mix in footage from the American movie to make it more digestible for the average southern-Asian market.
Since our last movie update the script has been re-written drastically in order to better appeal to the coveted 18-24 demographic and to “be more kickass.” The story now takes place primarily in suburban Denver, with long battle sequences in Tokyo, Madrid, and Cancun. Focus has been shifted slightly away from the zombie hunters to high school senior Jake Manfred, a fictional character created specially for the movie. Jake is a kid with “big dreams and crazy schemes” who enters a bet to lose his virginity before graduation. How exactly zombies come into the plot is still unknown, but we’ve been told that there’s also a road trip involved and a very funny sequence involving an orangutan and a tube of super glue.
In casting news, Daniel Craig has left the project due to a busy schedule and Owen Wilson has left… well because… You know. We shouldn’t really talk about it. We are pleased to announce that they will be replaced by Jason “That Guy From The Transporter” Statham and Hugh “The Eponymous Lead From Van Helsing” Jackman. And as if that wasn’t exciting enough, we have word that America’s favorite funnyman, Steve Carrel will be providing the voice of Smitty, a wise-cracking talking cat who is Jim Rage’s bestest animal pal. Jono Thomas fans rejoice! The feature length Jono and The Scorpion’s Pearl spin off has been rescued from development hell and is green lighted for post-production. A teaser poster, (right) has already been released for the summer 2009 blockbuster smash. Well done Jono!
In all this excitement we’ve all had to take some time off from doing the zombie hunting thang and stuff like that, but we figure that’s a small price to pay to be immortalized in an academy-award level film. To all you Ragers out there – you’d better just hold onto your hats! It looks like fame and fortune is here at last!
With our feature film on the path of excellence and with sales of zombie-hunting related gift shop items at a record high, JREZHS has been generating money like never before. While in the past JREZHS struggled to turn a profit, at long last the company appears to be a financial success. In fact, JREZHS plans to go public in a mere two months, entering the Wall Street arena with stocks selling at around sixty dollars a share.
Given our massive newfound success, perhaps it is only natural that some unkind individuals have started throwing around the term “sell-out.” Yes, doubtless there are many who are jealous of our accomplishments and these bitter, hateful people are trying to rain on our money-parade by accusing us of being blinded by Hollywood-style get rich quick schemes. Citing everything from our gradual shift from zombie-hunting to merchandising to our increasingly ambiguous relationship with our shadowy parent company Omni-Corps International, these nervous-nellies seem to think JREZHS is on the road to ruin. We are sad to report that included among the naysayers is zombie-hunter Justin Spirational who resigned last week over irreconcilable differences with the direction of the company.
Stated Justin, “Jim Rage and Frank Gritt were the brain and the heart of this organization and JREZHS has suffered in their absence. Ben Parazynski was another vital organ entirely, perhaps the liver, and losing him to the bottom of the ocean has been a major misfortune for us all.
” Like a poorly played move in Pickup Stix™ the rest of the company has been rustled by this leave. Within the following days Zachary “Carvin” Kervin, Alice Thompson, and the old man in the mountain himself (Dirk Razor) officially resigned. Carvin’ Kervin plans to pursue his life long love of botany (left), while Alice Thompson plans on being deported shortly after failing to acquire her work visa. Dirk Razor has opted for retirement and is hanging up his badass zombie hunting name to live his life once again as quaint, friendly, Chuck Meese. Chuck has told us that’s he’s just going to fall back on his 401k and live humbly. What 401k Mr. Meese is referring to remains a mystery since he has only ever worked as a part time employee and was never eligible for the retirement package. Our lost employees will be missed, regardless we will press on.
Since these four real life zombie hunters won’t be portrayed in the movie (none agreed to sign a release form) we are instead opting for more fictionalized characters, somewhat based in reality. Baxter Black (Right) has expressed interest in having an idealized version of his father, Buster Black, in the movie. The real Buster Black went missing years ago while “just walking the hills of Vermont”, as he used to say. The new Buster Black will to be played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Here’s a brainstorm list our creative team shot back and forth during our morning meeting.
•Hard boiled super soldier who was “lost” in the jungles of Korea.
•Feels at home in a battle zone.
•Can talk to and/or ride tigers.
•Has a small Indian boy helper named Tao Tao.
•Loves Peanut Butter.
•Has A machine gun which is always firing bullets.
•Can punch through a wall once a day.
•Doesn’t feel pain nor fear.
•Wears a headband.
•Wears two headbands.
Such character adjustments have led some to accusing us of “falsifying” real event which “actually” happened in the “real world”. Many have been drawing similarities between us and movies such as “300” which are nothing more then extended music videos vaguely based on historical event. On a side note we’re pleased to announce that “Legendary Studios” (makers of such fine movies as “300”) will be co-producing or movie during the pre-production, production, and post-production, which are all happening simultaneously because the entire thing is being shot on green screen which allows us to go back and make radical changes without effecting the outcome of the movie. Despite the many teasers and IM icons we put out it appears that the die hard fans are just going to get all willy nilly about the facts no matter what we do.
We at JREZHS are deeply saddened by these accusations and it is with heavy-hearts that we release this prepared written message for our critics. To all of those out there who have taken issue with recent developments: screw you. That’s right. We said it. All of you shut the fuck up and get off our backs. D’you think we actually care about your opinion? No. We don’t. Know why? ‘Cause we are makin’ MONEY, son! We’re talking, like, five millions dollars for each of us! Yeah! You heard right! That’s some serious coin buddy! And if you’ve got a problem with it you can go…fuckin’…cry us a river or something. We don’t care. Just get out here and leave us alone, ‘cause we’re too busy getting rich to worry about slackers and whiners like you! Yeah!
Also the site is being outsourced to India. We haven't the time to waste on it